My mother kept two books of etiquette on the bookshelf in her bedroom and we actually looked things up in them from time to time. My mother always said that these tomes boiled down to “doing the nicest possible thing in the nicest possible way.” Over the years Americans have abandoned etiquette like rats leaving a sinking ship, thus making us the ugly Americans we are renowned to be. We have had ample proof that people are not interested in, in even the most formal situations, being civil. Many Americans have become so self-absorbed that they believe that the world is interested in their every move. If we were not, things like Twitter and Facebook would not exist. I admit to using Facebook because it is a place where I find and communicate with people I don’t see daily and maybe haven’t seen in forty years, but I try to refrain from posting my every move. “Stephanie: hasn’t had enough fiber…”
The abandonment of etiquette and manners paved the way for Representative Joe Wilson’s monumental breech of it during the president’s speech to Congress on health care. Regardless of your stand on health care reform, if your mother raised you right you were outraged. Clearly Wilson was standing behind the door when his mother attempted to impart manners. He sure didn’t have my mother.
And then there is Serena William’s outburst. It was shocking when McEnroe behaved like a boor and certainly came off just as bad in this ill humored prima donna. I am happy to say that up until recently I neither knew nor cared who Kanye West or Taylor Swift were, but I hope West’s mother gives him a serious dope-slap the next time she sees him. Crying on Jay Leno’s program doesn’t absolve him from being a lout when he interrupted Swift’s award acceptance speech to say that someone else should have gotten it. Whatever made him think that was a good idea?
The rules of etiquette grew out of the notion of Chivalry during the Middle Ages when society was attempting to be more civil. I am sorry that so few people care about them anymore. It’s the reason we have children who are rude, road rage, and outrageous behavior on Little League fields and in the halls of Congress. It would make the world a much nicer place to live in if we could return to some more genteel behavior.
11 comments:
I was blessed to have had the privilege of attending a boarding school where etiquette was not only taught, but adherence was mandatory. In the dining hall, boys entered the building from one side, girls entered the building from the other side, and then we were seated at tables boy, girl, boy, girl, boy girl. Boys learned to wait to seat the girls and to carry on polite dinner table conversation, etc. It was wonderful training.
Stephanie, re: Kanye West
Kanye's mother, Donda West, won't be having a talk with him anytime soon. She died during plastic surgery (breast implants and abdominoplasty) nearly two years ago. She was a noted scholar and former chairwoman of Chicago State University's English department.
Perhaps his outrageous behavior is the result of his grief, but it sounds as though his mother would not have been proud of his behavior.
Stephanie: the congressman and the rapper were out of pocket... and a whole lot of us get so caught up in ourselves that we forget the human race consists of very important and sacred human beings...
at the same time... please remember the other folks (at least I know a lot) who are always welcoming...
lots of wonderful folks working at the Family Y here in Tacoma... always greeting me by name and wishing me well... staff members, nurses, doctors, security, and volunteers frequently greet me with a smile and a how are you...
teachers and staff at Bellarmine are very nice to me...
and I catch myself smiling and saying hello to folks on the street... (although sometimes I keep my eyes down and my mouth shut because I don't want to get people feeling nervous)
I hope we meet a whole lot of folks this weekend who greet us with a smile and a lot of respect
Very true, Joseph and I bet we will.
As Kurt Vonnegut said, "There should be a little less love in the world, a little more common decency."
As a feminist, I don't have to go back to a time of only men holding the chairs or the doors...I'm happy to do that for someone else also. There's a balance to be found between being kind to each other and NOT turn it into the chivalrous knight and damsel in distress bit.
Rudeness has definitely hit a new level...and mean-spirited humour, brought to you by that little box...er...flat screen in the corner of your living room.
Makes me want to rent "To Sir, With Love."
I believe that it is fine for women to treat men in a courteous manner and that they deserve an equality of life within the community as to the availability of work and compensation, but I also believe that women are special, the givers of human life, and thus, outside of the work place, are worthy of deference. In an effort to attain the democratic rights a bunch of old white men drew up for America, feminists in this country threw the baby out with the bathwater.
Here I have to disagree my friend. I'm very fond of babies and would not throw them out with the bathwater.
What if a man turned to you...said he was special for being the man...and entitled to tell you exactly what you should and shouldn't do because of it...that we should defer to our 'protectors'? This is the other side of the coin you mint.
We're all special in our own ways...and respect comes when respect is understood and given. I'm not saying I wouldn't sit down (and say thank you) if a man held my chair for me. Everything must balance...and we can move through all our personalities, without being stuck in one.
I do not believe we are givers of life...rather, we are conduits. We walk with the power, the power is not us.
I don't want to be more special than a man...or vice versa...and that isn't what feminism is about. Each individual is responsible for their own manners...and we can move forward with it, rather than look back through rose-coloured glasses.
The more genteel behavior cost me an education, you see, because my father didn't believe women needed higher education. They were special as the givers of life...and would waste the money spent because they were put on earth to make children and serve a man.
Being a feminist does not make me cruel or unkind, in fact, I believe it helps me understand kindness equally. Feminism needs to be understood in balance...just like everything else.
I would never venture to accuse you of cruelty, Lorraine, nor would I attempt to tell a man what he can or can't do--he wouldn't listen anyway--but I do believe that women are special which wasn't the point of my post in the first place. The point was that people have left off observing courtesies that apply to men and women both such as Congressmen not calling the President names when he's speaking, not interrupting someone's acceptance speech (thank goodness Kanye West didn't jump up during the Emmys!) to say that soeone else deserved the award more, and not threatening a referee during a tennis match. In the same way that gay marriage does not deminish my marriage, my husband opening doors for me should not hurt the feminist movement.
Your husband opening doors for you can't hurt the feminist movement...just like you and I not agreeing on every little thing can't hurt our friendship. I know you weren't accusing me of being cruel...I just think that the picture that comes to mind for a feminist is often harder than most of us really are.
I certainly agree about being kinder and having more manners...but we know that, when any one group starts to call themselves special...it's not balanced. That's all I'm saying. The young stars of today are led to believe they are special enough to let their emotions get the best of them in public...and then they find out it's really not so okay.
Hi again Stephanie...just wanted to share a link to a Leonard Pitts column that speaks to your subject too.
http://www.miamiherald.com/living/columnists/leonard-pitts/story/1241200.html
Thanks, Lorraine. You're special in my book!
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